Recently at work, I got to experience a new high-performance workplace environment. This space is beautiful and functional. It was designed to advance and modernize our work culture. The best part are the bathrooms. Beautiful and functional single-stall bathrooms, gender-neutral bathrooms.
I still vividly remember the day I first got accosted in a public bathroom. I was only five years old. I was out with my Mom having dinner. I had to pee. My Mom pointed to where I needed to go, and off I went. I did my business, washed my hands and was patiently waiting in line to use the hand dryer.
A woman walked out of one of the stalls and did this recoil back while she demanded to know what I was doing in the bathroom. “What are you doing in here?” Me, not knowing what she was referring to, just slightly opened my mouth, and with no words coming out, I raised my hand slowly and pointed at the hand dryer to signal to her that I was waiting patiently in line to use it. “This is not the boy’s bathroom.” I just looked at her, again with my mouth slightly opened, as I was completely confused, and gobsmacked, because, yeah, I knew it wasn’t the boy’s bathroom.
The commotion that this woman was making prompted another woman in the bathroom to kindly interject and come to my rescue. “She’s not a boy. She just has short hair.” she said as she flashed me a kind smile. The other woman then let out this laughter that caused my blood to curdle. I abandoned the hand dryer, dried my hands on my t-shirt and ran out of the bathroom.
Still confused and shocked by the whole experience, I made my way back to the booth where my Mom was and picked up a crayon and started colouring. I still didn’t have any words. Next, I hear that same laughter, and, as I look up, that same woman is sitting in her booth across the restaurant from my Mom and I, and her finger is pointed directly at me, obviously sharing her “funny” story with her family of what just happened in the bathroom.
My Mom, most likely having sensed that something was up, but not positioned in our booth in a way to see this woman pointing at me, cocked her head at me and asked if everything was okay. “Yep, everything is okay.”, I said. I still didn’t have any words at that moment to convey the shame that I felt, nor did I want to get into it with my Mom. I just wanted to colour and put this situation behind me. Little did I know at the time that this situation was going to be a recurring theme throughout my life.
I have been accosted many, many times in public bathrooms throughout my life, including bathrooms at work. My gender expression is just me, just me, being me. Some people may describe me as transgender, since my gender expression and gender identity are different from the gender typically associated with my sex assigned at birth. At birth, I came into this world as a healthy female.
If you’re Dave Chappelle, you might refer to me as a “lesbian fellow”, but for me, I prefer not to label myself. There is no label or pronoun that currently exists for me as a gender identity that I want to latch on to although I can certainly work with some of them.
I also happen to have a gender-neutral name. Brooke. But you know what, I am ready to move beyond neutrality. I am committed to living a life of purpose. A life of love, joy, and peace. You’d think this would be easy to do. But, no, it’s hard! There is no easy button. Living a life of purpose is intense responsibility. It is important work, work that I am committed to, work that is complex, yet so simple.
Do you live a life of purpose? A life of love, joy and peace in ALL areas of your life? I hope so. This is important work. Important work for all of us.
If I ever find myself not in a single-stall bathroom, a gender-neutral bathroom, and I get accosted or challenged in a public bathroom again, I want to respond from love. A conscious response of love to make the situation better. Now that’s hard work!
I’ve had to navigate my gender expression and gender identity my whole life, just like many have had to do. For me, some of the hardest times for this has been in public bathrooms. Thank you to those working so very hard on Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion. I see you.
© Brooke Somers (2022)
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